Boyfriend Maldonado
Boyfriend Maldonado is a Narrative League Blaseball player.
| Boyfriend Maldonado | |
|---|---|
| Team: | New Jersey Gardens |
| Position: | Shadows |
| Batting: | 1.3 |
| Pitching: | 1.9 |
| Baserunning: | 1.7 |
| Defense: | 2.3 |
| Fate: | 12 |
| Peanut Allergy: | YES |
| Evolution: | Base |
| Pre-Game Ritual: | Begging |
| Coffee: | Coffee? |
| Blood: | AAA |
| Soul: | 8 |
| Boyfriend Maldonado on the NLB main site | |
Lore
Boyfriend Maldonado was produced as a standard abstract black plastic mannequin in an unknown factory, and was soon after purchased in a bulk order by the fashion chain store Forever 2001 in Waterbridge Mall, Bridgewater, New Jersey, and subsequently displayed on the shop floor. She spent an unknown amount of time blissfully unaware of her existence. According to an interview, her first moment of consciousness was one where a shopper pointed her phone at her, addressing a Facetime call on her screen saying, "do you think I could pull this off? I dunno. It's soooo out of style." Boyfriend's immediate existential crisis of being a living, thinking entity forced into the role of object was overriden by a much more severe one-- she was unfashionable. Boyfriend quickly planned her escape, fleeing the mall and making her way to Stockton, New Jersey. (Management of the New Jersey Gardens and the Passaic Industrial Remediation Learning Center both deny any knowledge or involvement with approximately $650USD of merchandise from Forever 2001 Waterbridge going missing on the night of May 6, 20▇▇, and dispute the existence of a Yloutube video purporting to be security footage from the same night titled "REAL (NOT CLICKBAIT) HAUNTED MANNEQUIN AT MALL???" which gathered about 80,000 views before disappearing from the Internet about a month after it was posted.)
Boyfriend is still a mannequin, but her plastic body has been modified to have more points of articulation, making her as mobile as her fellow humanoids and a surprisingly good splortswoman. Her true passion is her style and aesthetics, and along with her passion for clothes, she has a rotating collection of wigs and paints facial features on her blank face daily. Her fashion sensibilities are known to clash with the sport; she has agreed to at least wear the team colors on the field, if not the standard uniform overalls, however, her insistence on wearing heels at all times hampers what would otherwise be good baserunning.
Boyfriend has no capability for speech; like a number of other Gardens players, she communicates in American Sign Language. (ASL speakers outside the Gardens regularly find their speed and slang impenetrable and incomprehensible.)
Trivia
- Boyfriend's jersey number is 99.
- Despite no need or ability to consume food or drink, and expressed confusion when asked how she takes her coffee, she is often seen with an elaborate, Instlagrammable drink in hand. She has expressed that as a "fun drink girly", this is part of her cultivated "vibe". Other Gardens members are often passed her various drinks to hold while she signs, texts, or bats.
- Boyfriend is banned from bringing her handbag on the field, so as to prevent her from hitting other players with it.